I dealt with those stuck feelings by disassociating from my unhappy life. I spent my time writing on Xanga, creating One Tree Hill fanfic, and honestly, by eating.
Eating wasn’t just something I did to survive. It passed the time and made me feel nourished even when my soul felt empty. By the end of our marriage, I had gained 45kg and felt like a shell of the person I had been before we met.
My body was yet another thick layer of shame.
I returned home and slept on my mother’s couch for about nine months. Never telling her about my husband’s affair. She strangely blamed the end of my marriage on me and my supposed “fixations” on sex. In other words, she assumed I was some depraved person who enjoyed sex too much and that destroyed my marriage.
In the autumn of 2006, I moved into my first solo apartment and got myself some temporary office work. It happened like most big changes…